Good old tag backlog. When I can’t adequately marshal my words to craft an original blog post
(or answer comments, or comment on other people’s fabulous posts – I’m sorry, guys, my brain Just Ain’t Having It, and hopefully it will start Having It again with dispatch), you are always to be depended upon.
Many moons ago, Megan tagged me for the Weapons Tag, created by the Doorman, and I was very excited about it, because even though I know precious little about weapons, have tried and failed epically at knife-throwing, and never seem to get any better at archery despite the many hours I’ve devoted to it over the course of my childhood, they fascinate me. So, many thanks to Megan, and many thanks to the Doorman for creating such an excellent tag.
Because seriously, I’m excited about this tag.
That’s why I put off doing it for months on end.
It makes sense.
When it comes to weapons, of course, you should always be safe and law-abiding, so let us list the rules. These are not to be skipped and not to be disregarded, lest you sink to disgrace, dishonor, and bullet holes where you’d really rather there weren’t bullet holes. (Does anyone else always skip reading the rules when reading tag posts? Well, shame on you. And shame on me, because same.)
RULES OF COMBAT:
1. Use the above picture or a similar picture of a sword.
2. Thank the person who tagged you and provide a link to their post.
3. Answer the 7 questions as best you can.
4. Tag 3 other bloggers if possible.
5. Close out the post making some statement or other to glorify the King of Kings.
ENTERING THE LISTS:
If you had to choose any one medieval weapon for combat, what would it be and why?
I suppose it would be a longbow. My bow is a recurve, but stepping from that to the longbow shouldn’t be too hard (or at any rate I don’t remember Ranger’s Apprentice making a big deal about it, and considering Ranger’s Apprentice’s propensity for making big deals about things, that probably means it isn’t too hard – they’re both bows, after all, and I imagine the distribution of tension in the draw is roughly the same, not like those dreadful ugly compound bows) as long as I learn to tie the knots right. Also, I really enjoy archery even though I’m terrible at it. And…surely, eventually, all the practice would pay off? Surely?
I’ve made my left forearm black and blue, created bloody lumps on my right index finger (it is now slightly deformed and shows no signs of ever going back to normal), frozen my fingers off, searched endlessly for lost arrows, and almost shot the cat. I refuse to believe it wouldn’t eventually bear fruit in my becoming a second Robin Hood.
OH, YES. ROBIN HOOD. Yes, I would definitely choose the longbow. Because Robin Hood.
(Also, it’s a long-distance weapon, which means I am less likely to be crushed by others’ superior strength in the course of the fight.)
If you had to choose any one post-medieval weapon for combat, what would it be and why?
One of those old gangster automatic gun things. I could carry it around in my violin case, and every time people joked about it (because this happens like every time you carry your violin into a public place), I would be quietly warmed inside by the delicious irony.
I’d start smoking cigars too, so as to be Hannibal.
(Although the A-Team and gangsters of the sort who carried machine guns, being from totally different eras, don’t have the same guns. But they both fire rapidly and shake a lot, so I really perceive no difference.)
If you had to choose to die from a blow/shot from some weapon or other, what would it be and why?
Dear me, what a morbid question. A rather interesting one, though. There is such romance in perishing on the end of a sword…but then, getting shot by a bunch of orc-arrows while protecting hobbits is a great way to die too.
Although both those sound rather painful, not to mention hobbits are in short supply in my corner of the world. I think I will be practical and go with a rifle-shot to the heart region. Then I could squeak, “Oh! He got me!” like Roquefort the Mouse before summarily expiring.
It would be a fitting end. They would engrave on my tombstone: “Ridiculous in Death as in Life; with Doubtful Taste in Literature, and No Conception of When Matters Are Too Serious for Joking.”
If you could design your own personal weapon (whether logical or not), what would it be like and how would it work? What would you call it?
I’d build a chariot, acquire a team of pegasi to draw it, paint the wheels with poppies, and conceal a secret substance within them. The rotation of the wheels would, by a mechanical contrivance, cause the secret substance to spew out upon my enemies. It would be some sort of drug that makes you sleep, and thus all my enemies would drop in their tracks at my passing. Which is a great aesthetic, and also great for not having to kill your enemies to defeat them. Ain’t nobody wants to kill nobody ’round here.
I would also make sure the secret substance smelled like poppies, for aesthetics.
And I’d call it the Chariot of Morpheus.
If you were in a battle, what era of weapons would you desire most to be fighting with and why?
The era (ancient China??) where everybody is an expert kung fu staff fighter. Because that’s just cool. (Not to mention I stand a much better chance with weapons where skill matters far more than brute strength, and I do at least know some basic blocks and stuff from my martial-arts-obsessed little sister. My special move, if you want to know, is Stumbling Over My Own Feet, and I’m really really good at it.)
If you were to lead a charge, what would your battle cry be?
I would steal from the Smiths, shouting, “Sic semper draconis!” at my enemies as I thwacked them.
Because a pillow fight is the only conceivable situation in which I would lead a charge, and while sic semper draconis is rather an insulting thing to shout at pillow-fight enemies (which is just another word for friends), it’s also too good of a battle cry not to use, some way or another. And pillow-fight enemies are the sort of friends who understand such things.
Is your preferred style of combat physical, conversational, or mental? Are you more prone to do one as to the other despite your preferences?
Conversational is the only one I really do? And I do it rather a lot. “Why don’t you go be a lawyer and get paid for arguing, since you like it so much?” is a question commonly cast my way by weary, disgusted family members.
Conversational combat is quite exhilarating, really. You have to be on your toes. You’re always one failure to think of a witty retort away from defeat.
So, although I’d probably enjoy mental combat (and probably die if thrown into physical combat), I think conversational combat might well prove to be my favorite.
The twenty-fourth psalm has been going through my head a lot lately, and it fits really well with this topic and the final injunction of THE RULES, so how about we end with a short passage from it?
Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in.
Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle.
Lift up your heads, O ye gates; even lift them up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in.
Who is this King of glory? The LORD of hosts, he is the King of glory.